


He's not yours

by ibumblebee



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Mild Self Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-16
Updated: 2017-10-16
Packaged: 2019-01-18 08:11:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12384306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ibumblebee/pseuds/ibumblebee
Summary: Remus is watching Sirius dance with someone else and just can't take it anymore...





	He's not yours

**Author's Note:**

> This is one of the first fan fics I've written so I really hope you like it! Also, english is not my first language so go easy on my...

It's almost midnight and Remus is sitting alone at a table beside the dance floor. He is watching the couples spin each other around, dancing, smiling, kissing.  
He hates it. Or he shouldn't have if it weren't for a certain dark-haired boy and a girl with blond braids. The girls hands are placed on the boy’s waist and the boys are wrapped around her tiny body. She is resting her head against the boys shoulder as they spin around to the slow music.  
Remus can see the boy whisper something in the girl’s ear and she laughs. The boy grins and presses the girl a little bit closer to himself.  
The werewolf looks away feeling nauseous. _I can’t take this anymore_. It feels like his heart is about to break into pieces just at the sight of Sirius and that girl together, who he doesn't even know the name of, dancing and laughing together.

_Well, at least he is happy_ , Remus thinks to himself feeling jealous that it's some random girl and not him who make his Padfoot happy. _But what did you think you stupid wolf? That he would like you back? He is Sirius Black, the most popular guy in school! Of course he could never be interested in an ugly, shy,_ ordinary _guy like you._  
With a bitter taste filling his mouth he stands up and, without saying goodbye to anyone, leaves the Great Hall. Tears are burning in his eyes and are threatening to fall. He walks faster, not wanting to cry in the middle of a corridor filled with snogging couples.

_Not here!_ he tells himself. A sobbing sound slips away from his throat. He doesn't look around to see if anyone heard it. He has to get away, needs to be alone.  
Now running, he makes his way through the corridor and up a stair where he throws himself on the nearest classroom door. He hurries to get inside and close it behind him.  
And there, all alone in a dark classroom he can finally cry. With a heartbreaking sound to anyone who can hear he collapse to the floor with rivers of tears falling down his cheeks.  
Why did he have to get feelings for Sirius Black of all people?

"It- it's n- not fair!" he howls. It feels like a physical pain, like someone is actually cutting his chest open, digging around, pulling the heart out and then jumping on it like it was a matter of life and death. And in this case it feels like death to Remus. Death would even feel pretty good right now. Oh how he wants death right now!

The werewolf hadn't discovered his feeling for the handsome Gryffindor boy until their fourth year at Hogwarts and after that nothing had been easy. Everything that had, until that point, been simply and funny had now become slow torture.  
Watching the other boy sleep, accidently touch him and feeing that amazing tingling down his spine, feeling those grey eyes on him while trying to study, seeing him date other people and, in some cases, even finding him making out with them.  
But the worst thing was feeling scared; so scared all the time. Remus was scared that anyone would find out his feeling for his best friend and tease him about it. Or even worse, Sirius finding out and reject him. He didn't know if he could survive losing his best friend like that.  
No, keeping it a secret were all for the better, even though it meant that he had to die a little bit each day he wasn’t in the arms of the older boy...

He slams his head against the hard and cold stone floor once, still with tears all over his face. The pain that spreads from his forehead hurt, but not nearly as much as his chattered heart.

 

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

 

Inpatient Sirius slowly moves his feet and follows the rhythm of the slow song. He wishes he wasn't on the dance floor right now, dancing with some blond Ravenclaw girl he already had forgotten the name of. He wishes he was sitting next to Remus at his table, looking at Lily and James while playing discussed over how close they are. But to be fair, he always wants to be where Moony is. His Moony.

_No_ , he corrects himself. _He is not yours, and he'll never be. He's way too good for you and would never even look at you in that way you want him to. Just forget about him!_   
Sirius sighs. As if he hasn’t already tried that. Every day of the two years he have had feelings for Remus had been a living hell. Thought he wanted nothing else than to be close to the other boy, he was sure that would only lead to disaster.  
There was no chance in the world the werewolf could ever feel the same way he did and making a move would most certainly ruin their friendship. So he tried to keep himself distracted by dating other people. The only problem is that under every date and every kiss, all he could think about was how much he wanted it to be with Remus instead...

He dares to throw a look at the table Moony is sitting at. He’s still alone, looking miserable. Sirius feels a sting of anger. He hate like seeing his friend so sad and in so much pain and if...  
Remus's eyes turns and meet his own and he hurry to look away.

"Long song, huh?" he asks the girl. She laughs a fake laugh and pulls herself closer to him. He makes a grimace. He doesn’t want her to be any closer than she already is.

"I don't mind", she tells him. He sighs and doesn't ever care if she hears it. _Why am I even here?_  
He turns his head and tries to get another peek at Remus, but the table is empty and Remus is gone.  
Confused, he stops spinning and lets go of the girl he was just dancing with. He can hear her gasp in surprise, but he doesn't give her as much as a glimpse. Instead he is trying to spot Moony in the crowd. _He can’t have gotten far._

"Excuse me, but I have to go look for someone", he tells the girl, still not willing to look at her.

"What?" she asks sounding hurt and confused, but Sirius has already begun to walk away from her. He still can't spot the werewolf among the people trying to get out of the Great Hall and for some reason that makes him stressed. It doesn't feel good that he would just disappear after looking as sad and hurt as he did earlier.  
_He probably just went to bed_ , Sirius tries to tell himself, but something doesn't feel right. He joins the queue of people trying to leaving the room and uses his elbows to make it go faster. Even thought he stretches his neck he still can't get a glimpse of Moony.  
When he finally gets out of the Great Hall and still not seeing anything, he begins to walk. Without any idea of where he is actually going, Sirius walks down the corridor to the left and soon he's running. He runs through a corridor and then up one stair. He is just about to take left again when he hear a sound which can only be caused by a person in so much pain he would be better off as dead.  
Sirius freezes and as he looks around. The sound seems to be coming from the nearest door to his right. He takes a hesitated step in that direction, unsure if he should go in or not. But then another of those terrifying screams can be heard through the door and Sirius realise that he doesn’t have a choice. Someone sounding like that can't be left alone.  
As quiet as he can he opens the door trying his best not to scare however is inside the almost empty classroom. He hesitates one last time before he enters the room and closes the door just as carefully behind him. At first he can’t see anyone in the room and spends a confused second looking around, but then he hears a sob and realise that there is someone lying on the floor right in front of him.

“I’m sorry, I just heard... Moony?”  
The figure on the floor twitches and a pale, scared face lifts up. Their eyes meet and for a short moment, that feels like an eternity, they just look at each other.

 

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

 

He doesn’t hear someone joining him in the dark room, but suddenly he is not alone.

“I’m sorry, I just heard... Moony?”  
Remus stiffens. He already knows who it is; he would recognise that voice anywhere.   
_Not him, not right now!_ But when he looks up, scared and shaking, it really is him; the last person he would like to meet right now.  
Sirius is standing above him with a surprised look on his face. Green eyes meets gray and they just stare at each other. After too long, but at the same time way to short, Remus acts. He crawls into a ball and hopes he will sink into the floor. Or get invisible. Or die. Death really seems like a really good option right now.  
But of course neither of those things happens.

“Oh my god, Remus!” he hears Padfoot say and a second later he feel a pair of strong arms around him. They lift him up and gently place him in his lap.  
Remus knows that scent all too well and just the feeling of being this close to the man he loves makes him cry even harder. He sobs with tears welling out of his eyes just to roll down his cheeks and drop from his jaw onto Sirius's robe. If he notices he doesn't seem to care about it and all.

“Shhh”, the older boy says, trying to comfort the younger. “Everything is okay.”  
It’s first then Remus realise what is going on. No, Sirius can't see him like this! He can't understand why he is crying so much! He can't understand...  
Even thought he doesn't really want to, Remus tries to break free from Sirius grip; but he doesn't let him. Instead he makes the embrace even harder.

“No” he growls with his face buried in Remus hair, not willing to let go off him. Remus close his eyes and wishes Padfoot could just walk away. It would make everything so much easier.  
He tries again to bend lose the arms around him, just to fail once again.

“Please Padfoot, let m-me go!” he says as he does his best to control the sobbing. This time the boy around him stiffens. He must've heard the panic in his voice.

“Please...” he tries again and this time the arms around him falls to the ground. Remus hurries to crawl a few meters away from the other boy and then just sits there, with the back turned against Padfoot and his head dangling against his chest. He can feel the pair of grey eyes carefully staring at his back and he does his best to ignore that.  
They just sit like that for a few minutes while Remus does his best to stop crying. Sirius is the first one to talk.

 

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

 

“Please...” Moonys voice sounds desperate and scared.  
_He doesn't want to be with you_ , Sirius thinks and that thought hurt even more than hearing Remus howling in pain. Without wanting to, he lets his arms drop down. The werewolf is out of his lap before they've even hit the floor.  
Moony quickly moves a few meters away before stopping. His head falls against his chest and his shoulders drops.  
Never before have Padfoot seen this boy so _unhappy_ and it hurts knowing there is nothing he can do about it and nothing Remus wants him to do. He hates being so powerless. Not knowing anything else to do he just sits there and waits for something to happen. More than once he has to fight the urge to scoop the smaller boy up again and hold him tightly.  
The minutes pass and soon the sobs die out. The silence is too much for the older marauder.

“What happened, Moony?” he says with a raspy voice full with concern and pain. “Who did this to you?”  
Remus takes a deep breath but doesn't turn around. First it doesn't seem like he is going to answer, but then he does anyway.  
When he does his voice sounds swollen and strained.

“It's nothing Pad ...” he trails of and shakes his head. A sudden anger blossoms within Sirius and he can't help himself but to laugh a cold and dry laugh. He clenches his fists together so his nails are being pressed into his skin.

“How can you even say that? Of course it’s something, just look at you! When I get those basted...” he begins but gets cut off by Remus who still hasn't turned to face him.

“It wouldn’t make any difference, there is nothing you can do about it”, he says and hurry to continue when he hear Sirius gasp as if he’s going to argue with that. “Besides, I think you’ve already gotten them.”  
Sirius frown his forehead. He has absolutely no idea what that is supposed to mean, but before he gets the chance to ask, Remus turns around and Sirius gasp once again. Without even thinking about it he crawls up to him as quickly as he can.  
On the younger boys forehead is an open wound from which it still sips blood. Carefully Sirius places one of his cold hands on his head to examine the wound and does his best not to care that Moony flinches when he touches him. _He doesn’t want you to touch him..._

“Really, what happened?” he ask softly and ignores the voice in his head.  
He can feel Remus eyes on his own and swallows. They’re so close now. He can taste the other boy in every breath and can’t help but shiver. He can only hope he doesn't notice.

 

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

 

His eyes are just a couple of inches away from Padfoot's and Remus can't help but stare at them. Before he saw Sirius eyes he didn't even know something could be so grey and so warm at the same time.  
He can feel Padfoots long and cold fingers gently brush over his forehead. The wound, which he must've gotten while slamming it against the floor, stings a bit but just the feeling of being so close to Sirius works like a drug. He just keeps looking into those kind, amazing eyes; because what he is about to do will probably leading to him never seeing them again.  
If everything was different he would never even consider doing it for real, but high on the other boys present and scent, Remus closes his eyes, leans in and make their lips touch. It's just a soft stroke; gentle and careful, but it's all it takes for his heart to beat a hundred times faster and a smile to glow up on his face. But when he leans back it disappears. Panic starts to well up inside of him. What did he just do?

Almost too scared to do it he opens his eyes and watches Sirius face.  
It looks like a mask. Remus curses himself within and tries to work together an explanation of what just happened. But how on earth is he supposed to explain that? He is looking at the floor as he begins to talk.

“I’m sorry”, he begins to stutter as he slowly starts to back off. “I thought I at least had to try...”  
He gets cut off by Sirius lips on his own once again.

 

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

 

Sirius is trying to understand what just happened. Did Moony really just kiss him? He sits completely still; to shocked to know how he should react.  
In front of him he can see the panic growing inside of Moony's eyes. His head drops as he begins to stutter an apology.  
But a big smile is growing on Sirius’s face and before the werewolf is done speaking he have grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him so there lips meet once again.  
The kiss is soft and awkward at first, but when the both boys realise what they’re doing the kiss gets harder and more determined.  
Sirius throws his arms around the younger boy who hurries to place one hand on Sirius’s cheek and the other in his hair. Their lips moves in complete sync and so does their bodies. The kiss is soft, warm and full of emotions neither of them knew where answered.  
Remus is the one who breaks it due to the lack of air. Sirius unwillingly lets go of his lips, but his arms are still around the smaller boy’s body. They both open their eyes and look at each other.  
Even in the weak light of the midnight moon, and despite his eyes being swollen after crying, Sirius thinks Remus’s eyes looks just like melted gold. Still not being able to understand it’s all real, he let his hand slide up and down Moony’s back.  
They both begin to smile.

“How...” Remus begins, but his voice is raspy so he clears his throat before trying again. “How long?”  
Sirius just looks at him. Never before in his life has he felt this happy.

“Two years”, he tells him. Remus laughs and looks towards the ground and Sirius thinks it’s the most adorable thing he has ever seen. When he looks up again he’s smiling even bigger than before.

“We should’ve done this before”, Remus says.

“Yeah”, Sirius answers before leaning in; stealing another kiss. “We should’ve done this _a lot_ before.”  
Remus giggles and Sirius heart fills with joy just knowing that he made him giggle like that.  
But then he turns serious again.

“Please, tell my why you were crying before”, he whispers and just like that Moony’s smile is gone to. He fidgets and suddenly seems to think his nails are very interesting.

“I don’t really...” He mutters and then looks up again. “It doesn’t matter now, I promise. Everything is fine now.”  
It may be the begging tone in his voice that makes Sirius understand. And when he does he turns cold inside.

“It was me, wasn’t it?” he asks, unsure if the really want the answer. “You saw me dancing with... with that girl.”  
Tears start to well up in the older boy’s eyes. _Those horrifying sounds you heard before, you made him sound like that. You made him sound like he was dying inside. You probably made him feel like he really_ was _dying inside.  
_ He closes his eyes and throws his head back. _It’s your fault._

“Hey!” Remus says softly as he carefully turns Sirius head back. “Hey! Look at me.”  
Sirius takes a deep breath before doing so and the first thing he sees is the big wound on Moony’s forehead. It has stopped bleeding now, but still looks nasty. _He must have done that to himself because of you._

“I bet I caused that too”, he says and nods in the direction of the wound.  
He feels dead inside. The boy he loves, the boy he would do everything to protect, is the boy he has hurt more than anyone else. He feels absolutely discussed by himself.

“Hey, look at me”, Moony says once again and this time the green eyes manage to find the grey ones. “I’m okay, I’m more than okay, I’m...”  
But he shakes his head instead of completing the sentence and his face glows up by a weak smile.

“You didn’t know. You had no idea just because I was silly and afraid I would lose you if I told...” Desperately Sirius presses their lips together. If it’s because he doesn’t want to hear the rest of the sentence or because he wants Moony to really _feel_ his love for him, he doesn’t really know. But he tries to put all of his restrained feelings into the kiss. The love, the lust, the feeling of having him close and the fact that _nothing_ would ever be able to make him walk away from the other boy. Noting. Ever.  
But a small part of him can just think about the sound of Remus crying and the feeling of being responsible for it. The feeling of hurting him.  
He breaks apart from the kiss.

“What if I hadn’t found you?” he whispers, desperate and out of breath. “What would you’ve done then?”  
Remus just shakes his head like he is talking to a three year old.

“But you did, didn’t you? You did find me.”

“Yes, but...”

“We don’t need any ‘yes, but’ Pads. You did find me and that was the best thing that has ever happened in my life.” Sirius is looking misbelieving. They sit in silence for a moment.

“Really?” he says. Remus nods.

“Really.”

They look at each other. Just feeling the presents from the other boy makes Sirius feel like he could do anything.  
He uses his already wrapped arms to pull the smaller, skinnier body near himself. Remus responds to the embrace. He puts his head on Sirius’s shoulder while Sirius himself buries his face in Moony’s hair. Then they just sit there, tightly together knowing there is no other place where neither of them would rather be.

“I’ll never hurt you ever again Remus. Not like that, not in any way. I’ll do my best to be the best I ever could for you and from now on I’ll only dance with _you_. And you can never lose me Rem, I thought you knew that. No matter how hard you try, I’ll never go away”, Sirius whispers into the blond hair.

“I know Sirius. And I don’t want you to go anywhere. _Ever_. So that doesn’t seem to be a problem.”  
They both laughs, just enjoying the scent and the warmth of the other person and they both know that somehow, everything is going to be okay.


End file.
